In the last newsletter we discussed how you can set clear boundaries so that nobody can cross your limits, attack you or treat you in a way that you don’t want to be treated. We also discussed how you can set clear boundaries in your own mind to be able to see better what issues belong to you and what belongs to other people, for example an opinion. If you haven’t read the last newsletter, you can read it in my blog.

Today I would like to show you other strategies which can help you spend your Christmas in peace and happiness / joy / harmony.

Don’t make assumptions!

We often believe that we know what other people think and why they react they way they do without ever double-checking if our assumption is really true. This creates misunderstandings that could be easily avoided. If somebody says “Are you working at the computer again?” try to clarify what he or she means by this remark. Does it mean: “I want to spend more time with you” or: “You should do some sports instead” or: “You work too much”? Make sure you understand what is behind such a remark and react to the real meaning rather than to the surface statement. Perhaps the person making this comment is simply worried that you work too much, when you might be actually relaxing at the computer. Don’t let any assumptions influence how you feel. Simply clarify the situation.

Understanding underlying issues.

Our feelings are directly affected by our needs, our beliefs and our values. For example, people who need a lot of space for themselves will react negatively to the fact that, during Christmas, their space is limited. People who value order and planning will react with annoyance or frustration to those family members or guests who are untidy or disorganized. This frustration often flares up in seemingly unrelated situations, so that we get confused and we can’t figure out what sparked it. Marriages never fall apart because a toothpaste tube was squeezed “the wrong way”. There is usually some underlying issue behind it. That’s why, instead of reacting to the surface comments, we should try to get to the core needs, beliefs and values of the person making the comment and address them openly.

For example, if I explode over nothing, it might mean that I need more space or maybe I need a break from all the people around me. If this is the case, a private walk will work much better than discussions.  The next point will help you to master this technique:

Become an observer!

When you sense the negative feelings surging up, treat them as a tool to acknowledge that something is wrong or simply not good for you.  Become curious and observe the situation and your feelings detached and from a bird’s eye view. Look at the issue from all angles and assess how it is affecting you. What triggers the feelings? How are other people reacting? What makes you to react in a certain way or say certain things? Where is the need to set clear boundaries, what assumptions have been made and what is the underlying issue?

This bird’s eye perspective offers very good possibilities to see yourself and others in an unbiased way, and helps you to react more appropriately and with more awareness.   

Quotes

Being assertive does not mean attacking or ignoring others’ feelings. It means that you are willing to hold up for yourself fairly-without attacking others.

Albert Ellis, Michael Abrams, Lidia Dengelegi

Man must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love.

Martin Luther King Jr.

In dwelling, live close to the ground.
In thinking, keep to the simple.
In conflict, be fair and generous.
In governing, don't try to control.
In work, do what you enjoy.
In family life, be completely present.

Tao Te Ching