It happens quite often that my clients feel the need to begin our session with letting off steam. They might be angry at their boss, their wife, the kids or anybody else in their life. Regardless of the trigger, which can be anybody and anything, the anger, resentment and frustration are collected and bottled up until the pressure becomes too high. Sometimes it is possible to reduce this pressure in an acceptable way, but in some cases people really explode at the wrong moment and around the wrong people, causing a lot of collateral damage.

How do you deal with anger and rage? What is anger really? What value does it have in our lives? That’s where things get interesting! Anger, resentment, fury and frustration are only feelings; just like joy, love and happiness. Feelings come and go, but sometimes one feeling lingers longer than the others, especially when we feed it by giving it our attention. This works for both good and bad feelings. We can influence or maintain a feeling by turning our attention to it. We have control over our feelings; perhaps not complete control, but significant control nonetheless.

Feelings come suddenly, like the clouds in the sky. They come and go, blown by the wind of events. Perhaps we are angry with our loved ones and for a moment we don’t like them because we are too busy being upset. It’s like having to wear a rain jacked on a day when we were hoping to be able to enjoy the sunshine. It’s all quite natural, but as soon as we start labeling and judging people around us we create a problem. Somebody hasn’t fulfilled my expectations; he / she shouldn’t be upsetting me; I shouldn’t be feeling this way! It’s as futile as getting upset about the weather that it isn’t the way we were expecting it to be.

As soon as we evaluate a situation and expect it to be different than it is, it has a potential to turn into an emotional tempest. Is there a more constructive way to deal with the negative emotions? Let's give these feelings a different kind of attention! Let's just try to make an aware assessment of our feelings. No judgments! Let get curious and investigate what was so powerful that could throw us so much out of balance.  Which "red button" has been pressed? Which expectations haven’t been met? Which of my principles have been ignored or violated? The answers to these questions can offer valuable insight into our motives or triggers and this awareness can in turn help to take further steps in order to avoid an unnecessary escalation. Or they can help us to focus on the true cause of these emotions, and not on the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.

When we are angry or upset we often attack the person across from us instead of pointing at the behavior, words or actions of the other person, that caused the anger. It quickly turns into a personal attack and activates the attack-defense response instead of an attempt to find a solution and reconciliation. When we share our feelings, we create an opportunity to communicate in a clearer and more constructive way. When we express our concerns from the “I” perspective, we prevent potential retribution or a defensive behavior of the other person. A good strategy is to try to react to a problem before it escalates. If we allow the pressure to increase, it can be difficult to have a healthy conversation later. If you notice that your partner is bottling up unhealthy emotions, try to address this before the problem explodes in your face.

Many of us grew up believing that feeling should not be shown or openly addressed, especially not the negative feelings. I advocate seeing feelings for what they are: feelings. They come and go, and the faster we recognize, accept and deal with them, the faster they will go away. Let’s make more room for the good feelings then, and let’s give them all our energy and determination instead of wasting our resources on anger and being upset.

I wish you a week with honest emotions!

Quotes

Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to.

Harriet Lerner

Holding on to anger, resentment and hurt only gives you tense muscles, a headache and a sore jaw from clenching your teeth. Forgiveness gives you back the laughter and the lightness in your life.

Joan Lunden

Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from the inside. We think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. But hatred is a curved blade. And the harm we do, we do to ourselves.

Mitch Albom